and I feel like I need to get it off my chest today. People in general really suck at listening. There. I said it.
Anyone feeling me on this? Now I’m always willing to be the first to raise my hand up high and say, “Guilty as charged.” Just like everyone else, I get distracted. Distractions are all around us and up in our heads. Cell phones are BIG ONE. And smart watches. How often do you glance at yours the moment it buzzes? So today I thought I’d go over some of the basics of the Art of Active Listening. A skill we could ALL use a little brushing up on! Let’s tune up those listening ears! There's a quote I heard several years ago that has stuck with me and that I always remember when I am listening to someone who is sharing their truth with me. "Listen and attend with the ear of your heart" - Benedict of Nursia This is my reminder to drop out of my busy mind that is wired to want to reply, interrupt, or even fix what the other person is sharing and instead to simply LISTEN. I can’t do this if I am A) glancing at a text that just came in on my wrist, B) scrolling on Instagram, or C) allowing my mind to wander to whatever else it might be wanting to chew on. So I say "Simply Listen" ...but it's not that easy to do. Here are 10 tips to help you practice being a really awesome listener! 1) Face the person speaking and make eye contact 2) Watch for non-verbal cues (facial expression, body position) 3) Don't interrupt! 4) Listen without judging, or jumping to conclusions 5) Don't start planning what to say next 6) Show that you are listening (this means ignore that buzzing on your phone) 7) Don't impose your opinions or solutions 8) Stay focused (use your breath to remind you to stay present) 9) Ask questions 10) Paraphrase & summarize Like any new skill, it's like training a muscle. The more you practice, the better you get! So challenge yourself this week to put that ear of your heart to the test and see how it changes your experience in how you engage with others. Want to experience what it feels like to be truly heard? As a Life Coach, I am trained to be an AMAZING LISTENER! A huge part of my job is to listen to my clients, to ask them though provoking, dig deep questions and to LISTEN. Then, I reflect back to them what they have said so they truly, truly feel heard. Not only is this incredibly validating and healing, it is also a way to hear the stuff that's going on in your head and then be able to determine if it is indeed true and worthy or if it's just noise. It is in this space of openness, honesty and truth that we can begin to do the deeper work my clients are seeking - a life of greater purpose & passion, a life of authenticity, and a life full of joy! Sound amazing? Well it is! Let's get on a call so you can experience what truly being heard feels like!
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But what if (fill in the blank with the last thing you worried about) and then keep reading…3/13/2022 How much of our precious time on this earth do we waste away worrying? Sadly, a WHOLE LOT if you are like most people (including me!) It’s party just how we are wired. That negatively biased brain of ours is there to protect us, so it’s quick to come up with all the ways things could go wrong. And the more you worry the stronger that “worry muscle” becomes. I’d hate to even count all of the things I didn’t do, words I didn't say, and add up all the energy and time I have frittered away in my 53 years all because I worried about them so much that I ended up not doing or saying what I really wanted to. Ugh. So today I have a reminder for you! (courtesy of @postivelypresent - a page on Instagram that I just love!) Ok, you say, so what can I do about it? It’s “just how I am”. Well, my reply to that is “Yes, and…you can also learn to rewire and retrain your brain so you spend WAY LESS time worrying and WAY MORE time living and enjoying the present moment!!” It’s all about learning to PAUSE and NOTICE. In that pause, you get to make a choice. Here’s a great list of questions you can ask yourself when you pause that can create a major mind shift! (again from @positivelypresent) This one is such a keeper I highly recommend printing it out and keeping it in your “tool kit” of helpful reminders. Try it out this week the next time you find yourself flexing that worry muscle!
I’d love to hear how it works for you! And please feel free to share it with any of your worry-wart friends and family. I am learning every day to allow the space between where I am and where I want to be to inspire me, and to find grace for myself on the days when I fell stuck and uninspired.
This one, my friend, is a feeling and a practice I deal with all of the time. Seeing where I want to be and freezing in my tracks when I allow myself to get overwhelmed by what my mind perceives as the many roadblocks in the way of my success. It’s what keeps most people stuck in their same old life…FOREVER. It is definitely way easier and more comfortable to stick with the familiar that to branch out on an unfamiliar path. The unknown is scary. Or at least our mind likes to tell us it is. So we stay in the uninspiring, soul sucking job or we let the months and years just drift by in a relationship that no longer meets our needs simply because it’s what we know. We might daydream about that better life, but the path to get there looks very long and complicated. We put that dream in a box on the shelf and get on with life as is. So, how do I get unstuck? I practice PAUSING and I celebrate the small things. I look for the little steps I've taken and that I can take that will get me at least an inch closer rather than the miles I might perceive are still ahead of me. I look for at least one thing to be grateful for in that moment which always leads to many, many more. Some days, when I'm feeling delicate, I give myself a whole lot of self-love and permission to just be and breathe. I get outside and move my body while I listen to an inspiring podcast. I reach out to a friend or my coach for a pep-talk. I remind myself of all the reasons why what I am seeking is important to me, my happiness, and my contribution to the world. Then the next day I tell myself to put on my damn big girl panties and get some shit done!! I make a short list that feels do-able and I dive in. I congratulate myself for what I get done because I am now one step closer to where I want to be. And I remind myself constantly that it's the journey that matters. It's the moments I savor along the way that I will remember. It’s how I feel and how I make others feel in my presence that will make an impact on the world. I’ve figured out a lot of life stuff in my 53+ years on this planet and one of the BIGGIES is today’s message - the 80/20 Rule.
You see, I spent a whole lot of my younger years buying into the old-school Disney fairytale kind of love and I was determined that within me was enough love, rainbows and sunshine to change even the scariest of Beasts into my Prince Charming. Two marriages and a whole lot of lessons learned and I am finally in the most amazing relationship of my life thanks in part to The Rule. Here’s how it works. Whether you are currently seeking a new relationship, just getting out of an old one, or maybe you’re still in one but things aren’t looking so good… First, you make a few lists. List 1 is the things you really, really want in a partner - personality, character, life style, and how they make you feel. Get it all on there and don’t hold back. Then, from that list you determine what your non-negotiables are and you make a shorter list of those. On this list, I want you to also come up with a list of questions you could ask to find out really quickly if there are any big RED FLAGS. You want to get these covered right away when meeting someone new. And if you’re already in a relationship ask yourself the questions about your partner and be honest with what comes up. Now, go back to that big list again and decide if there are some things that would be nice but certainly aren’t deal breakers. Make a new list of those things. For example, on my Short Non-Negotiable list was a) no young kids, preferably grown up kids if any; b) loves to travel and stay active; and c) makes me laugh a lot! There were several more, but you get the idea. On my “nice, but not necessary” list was must be at least 5’11 and loves to cook… During my 8-months of dating before I met Andy, I went on A LOT of dates! And boy did I get efficient at screening all those guys. Didn’t mention that you had a 7 & 8 year-old kid and 1/2 time custody…thank you no. Idea of a great weekend is binging Netflix and ordering pizza…thank you no. Make my eyes roll with your lame or lack of sense of humor…thank you no. Get the drift? You see I was finally in a REALLY GOOD PLACE personally. I was very happy just being me and being by myself. So for me to bring someone new into my life, it needed to be a really good fit. What that person didn’t need to be was a perfect fit. No Andy isn’t quite 5’11…no he doesn’t cook much…but he’s a really, really good fit in at least 80% (hey I’ll give him 90%!) of my things I need and want. We laugh all the time, we travel a ton, a weekend isn’t complete without at least one hike, and we hold true and fast to our “no drama” rule. If there’s an issue, we talk it out and move on. And we always feel stronger for having done so. He’s learned to speak my love languages fluently simply because he loves me and knows it’s important to me. I could go on and on… What I know from past relationships is that when I let a non-negotiable fall into the 20% category, that was the thing along with all the other little things I thought I could deal with that led to a whole lot of discontent, disappointment, and eventually the demise of the relationship. Bottom line here is get to know YOURSELF first. Learn to LOVE YOURSELF completely. Be a complete and happy person with YOUR LIFE. Then whether you are deciding if you stay in a relationship or looking to find a new one, you will be in a WAY better place to see those 80/20’s and determine if that other person is a life upgrade or downgrade. You, my friend, deserve to be happy and to feel like the people in your life enhance it rather than drain it. This final week of my January Self-care Reboot Challenge, we are wrapping things up with a big dose of Self-Care to protect and nurture your ENERGY. The energetic body encompasses all layers of our being – body, mind & spirit. What you do to either serve or to harm one system of the body has an energetic impact on all others. What you feed your physical body has an impact on how your mind functions along with how in or out of touch you feel with your deeper SOUL connection. If one system is completely out of whack from lack of exercise, poor nutrition, stress, or depression then the ENERGETIC BODY is weak. On the other hand, if you are including healthy daily practices that nourish and nurture your physical, mental & spiritual being then your energetic vibration will be HIGH. Energy Vampires are everywhere and just like those handsome but deadly Hollywood Vampires, energy vampires prey on the weak and suck them dry. This might be an actual person who being with leaves you feeling drained, a job that sucks away your joy, too many commitments you’ve made because you lack healthy boundaries, or that remote control that sucks you into binge watching TV instead of moving your body. Sound familiar? Check in with yourself right now. Can you feel your energetic vibration? Depending on how your day and week have been going, you might feel flat and dull or you might feel tingly and bright. I’ve had a bit of a roller coaster energetically lately. I went from the super high energy of my amazing women’s retreat to Mexico to catching a bug that is currently draining my energy as I type this today. Ugh. My personal goal for this next week is to replenish and rest my body so I can get back to that high I came home from Mexico feeling! This week I encourage you to turn your daily focus to how you are vibrating and to what makes that vibration feel stronger or weaker. You might notice a certain food, activity, or person either contributes to or depletes your energy. The more in tune you become, the easier it gets to course correct when you start to drift energetically. Why is this important? Well, because we are ALL ENERGETIC BEINGS and like attracts like. If I’m flatlining energetically no one and nothing wants to be in my space except other flatliners (or maybe my dog who is happy to sit curled up on my lap all day long...) On the other hand, if I’m shining like a SUPERNOVA out to the world, guess what? Everything is attracted to that power I’m sending out and magically life starts to work in my favor. Now this doesn’t mean that you should try at all costs to avoid the occasional bad days. Bad days happen. Crappy things happen that get you down. You get sick. Or you just feel the need to retreat and recharge. That, my friend, is just being human. The trick is to be AWARE. To notice when you are feeling depleted and give yourself time for some nurturing. And then to make sure you don’t get stuck there on the couch, remote in hand, dog on lap for tooooo long. You see, the Universe is counting on you to SHINE that amazing ENERGETIC BODY of YOURS out to the world. It’s truly what you are here to do! This 3rd week of my January Self-Care Reboot we are diving deeper into your inner self with some Self-Care for the SPIRIT or SOUL. This is your emotional and intuitive body and it needs nourishment just like the body and mind do. When you feed your spirit, you feel truly connected. Connected to yourself, to nature, to others, and to the Universe. You are in a “flow state” where life feels easy and light. Can you recall the last time you felt that way? This past week, I took a group of amazing women on my first ever yoga and wellness retreat to a secluded spot in Mexico on the Sea of Cortez. We were totally off the beaten path - no town to visit and hardly anyone else on our pristine bay called the “Bahia de los Suenos” or Bay of Dreams. And what a dream it was! 14 women from all walks of life coming together in search of the same things – connection to self and others, time to pause and listen, time to reflect and plan, time to release old ways of being, and time to truly feed our souls. Oh and enjoy a whole lot of belly laughs and playtime, too! Each night as I walked down the dark pathway to my room, I looked up at the night sky just teeming with stars and truly felt that deep connection to everything. Just like you can’t see the night stars when there are too many bright lights or clouds, it’s hard to feel that connection to your spirit when there is too much chatter and distractions going on around you. It was such a thrill for me to watch as my group settled in to a slower rhythm of life. To feel their energy shift and become quieter and more introspective. And it was a huge joy for me to see them truly connecting with each other on a deep, soul-sharing level. That CONNECTION with SELF and COMMUNITY is what we ALL need more of in our lives. It’s what feeds us. It’s what reminds us why we are here. It’s what keeps us going even when we can’t see the stars behind all the clouds of life. So this week I encourage you to find some ways to get still, clear out the cobwebs, RECONNECT and feed your soul. Ask yourself – when do I feel the most connected with my spirit? For many people it is going into nature. Get to the beach, the mountains, or a grassy lawn with your feet touching the earth and reconnect. Take time to listen to your soul speaking. What does it need? What does it want? And how can you get more of that in your day-to-day life? Then I want you to check in on your community. This past couple of years with quarantines, social distancing, and face masks have made it quite a bit more challenging to maintain our connections with others. As you get back out into the world take some time to assess your current community. Does time with them feed you or drain you? Do you have people around you who you can take your metaphorical mask off and share your SOUL with?
It takes time and courage to nurture that level of relationship - with yourself and with others. And quite honestly, lots of people just aren’t willing to take the risk. It’s scary to share your naked soul with another human. It’s raw and vulnerable. But just on the other side of that nervous discomfort lies a beautiful oasis of that feeling of ease and light. Of love and connection. I’ll leave you today with one of my all time favorite movie quotes from “We Bought A Zoo” staring Matt Damon. “You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.” - Benjamin Mee Be courageous, my friend. Your SOUL is yearning for so much more! You deserve a mental health break!
Just like we come up with a million reasons why we don’t spend enough time caring for our bodies, I think our MIND might actually get the even shorter end of the stick most of the time! You see, that busy brain of yours is going 24/7 even when you are doing something good for your body. Ever been in a yoga class and simultaneously writing an email reply or a to-do list in your head? That’s why this week of my January Self-Care Reboot Challenge is all about the practice of giving your MIND a well deserved break. If you are anything like me, you spend way too much time allowing your mind to run amok. Overthinking, negative self-talk, stress and worry become our “norm” and we find ourselves depressed and anxious. The good news is that you can REWIRE YOUR BRAIN! As the saying goes “neurons that fire together, wire together”. Basically, what you repetitively think, becomes your reality. So, what’s your “norm” been lately? And are you ready to make a change that will literally change the way you see the world? If you answered “YES!!!”, then keep reading! Great! Now the first thing I’m going to suggest is that you make DAILY MEDITATION part of your routine. If you were with me way back in October for my Meditation Challenge, you hopefully were able to notice the huge benefits of this relatively simple practice. All it takes is just 10-20 minutes a day that will save you countless hours of time you might normally waste stressing out! I was absolutely reminded of just how much I need my morning meditation recently because Andy and I totally fell off the wagon for a couple of weeks! YEP! Vacation mode, holiday busyness, and next thing you know we were out of our healthy morning routine. Suddenly, BAM, I was feeling STRESSED OUT!! Things that I would normally take in stride became way bigger than they needed to be and my underlying feeling of anxiety was on the rise. Crazy how spending just a few minutes in stillness to start the day can help regulate your mind and your nervous system for the entire day!! So give it a try starting today! You can start small - try 5 minutes. Then work your way up to 15-20. For me it’s all about how much time can I comfortably sit for that morning. Even the shortest of meditations has a huge impact on setting the overall tone for your day. Not comfortable simply setting a timer and jumping in? There are some great apps you can put on your phone to help you keep track of time and even be guided through a meditation. A few I like are insight timer, calm: sleep & meditation, and headspace. More tips for MENTAL SELF-CARE:
Are you ready for a 2022 Life Reboot?
Then repeat after me… I am WORTHY and DESERVING of SELF-CARE & SELF-LOVE How did that feel? Odd and unfamiliar? Or refreshing and affirming? Whether you’ve been on the self-care bandwagon with me for a while OR you are needing a whole lot of encouragement and reprogramming to make YOU a priority, my January Self-care Reboot is a great way to kick off this shiny new year of 2022! This month I’m focusing on four key areas of SELF-CARE: Your BODY Your MIND Your SPIRIT and Your HEART This first week is all about nurturing your BODY – inside & out! I’ll provide you with some daily tips/suggestions to give you some ideas, but a big part of true self-care is tapping into what really works for YOU. Think about what makes you feel really good. What physical activities make your body happy? What foods & drinks make you feel the most balanced? Is there a skin treatment you enjoy? When was your last massage? Sit down today and make a list of the things you plan to do this week to nurture your body. Write it on your calendar or on a big sticky note on the fridge. Make it more fun by picking a buddy to do things with – your hubby, your bestie, your kiddos – get everyone on board the Self-care Bandwagon! Make your BODY SELF-CARE LIST right now and get moving! I’m just about to bundle up and go on a nice long dog walk to start the day. Then head to the grocery for some fresh veggies to go with dinner tonight. What’s on your ME LIST? It’s way too easy to let the years just roll one into the next. I know because I’ve been there done that. You might be in a super comfy place, a totally miserable place, or feeling stuck and just not sure how to make the next move; so instead you just keep doing the same old thing. Sound familiar? Well, my friend, I’m here to help you set yourself up for a truly amazing New Year with my 5 Simple Steps for kicking off 2022! Let’s do this! Grab a pen and some paper and get ready to plot out your 2022 plan of action! STEP ONE Decide what DOESN’T get to follow you into the New Year. This could be a habit, a thought pattern, an old story, a belief that you are ready to be done with. Think about heading into a new year like packing your bags for a long journey and knowing that you are going to have to pay extra for every bag you check! That old life stuff is SERIOUSLY HEAVY! Write down the 1-5 things you need to leave behind. STEP TWO Pick your 2022 Focus Word(s) This could be 1-5 words that you want MORE OF for the next year. If you need some ideas, here’s a list I’ve created for you to find a little inspriation. Pick your words and write them down. STEP THREE Make a 2022 Vision Board This could be the “old school” style using poster board and magazines, or you can make one on your computer if you’re more of a techie type. If you’re going old school like I do every year, I’ve created a great mini workbook for you to print and use (if you printed my December Reflections & Intentions Workbook then you’ve already got all the goods!) Print New Year’s Intentions/Vision Board Workbook And, here’s a great LINK to a bunch of resources for making an online board! Once your board is finished, put it somewhere you will see it every day! Make it your screensaver or hang it on the bathroom wall or your closet door.
STEP FOUR Set 2-5 Smart Goals for the first quarter of 2022 A SMART goal is used to help guide goal setting. SMART is an acronym that stands for Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Timely. Therefore, a SMART goal incorporates all of these criteria to help focus your efforts and increase the chances of achieving your goal. Here’s a great WORKSHEET you can print for setting yours. STEP FIVE Do a weekly check-in to see how you are doing. Look at your Vision Board and ask yourself if you are living your FOCUS WORDS. Read through your Smart Goals and give yourself a progress report. If you are killing it, then give yourself a high-five! If you’ve fallen into old patterns, give yourself some grace and a pep talk. Then press the reset button for starting up again the next day. And there you have it! Now you might be saying, hey Mary, that sounds like quite a bit of work! Well, yes, getting the life you TRULY WANT AND DESERVE takes WORK!! However if you do this bit of work to kick things off, then the MAGIC starts to happen! You see when you set your mind to focus on what you want to manifest and you set powerful and achievable goals to hold yourself accountable the UNIVERSE LISTENS. Still not feeling like you can take it on all by yourself? Well I have great news for you! Helping others manifest their dream lives is what I do! Let’s hop on a consultation call and discuss how I can help you make 2022 your best year yet. Are you ready? Hey there my friend! It’s December 12th and you’re pretty much halfway through the last month of the year. How are you doing? Are you feeling the calm and peace of the season... or perhaps your life is feeling a bit (or a whole lot) overwhelming and chaotic right about now.
Well, if you are anything like me or my neighbor who I literally just ran into who told me she is feeling totally overwhelmed because she always takes on too much at this time of year (all good, happy things doing kind and compassionate goodness for others, but forgetting to take time for herself)... THEN KEEP READING!! I’m actually writing today’s post as I prepare for a much-needed week long vacation to Cabo with my sweetheart. This is our first real trip in several months and I’ve been definitely feeling the strains of overwhelm and burnout from my life as a solo entrepreneur. I wear a whole lot of hats in my life and do an awful lot of juggling on a day-to-day basis. Which normally I do a pretty darn good job at! I am a very organized, detail-oriented person and usually I can keep my priorities straight. BUT every now and then I start to feel the pull to want to completely check out and just do nothing for a while. That’s when I know it’s definitely time for a well-deserved break. Now the old me who was a serious perfectionist and over-planning overachiever would have proudly powered through the piles and piles of extra stressful things I’ve taken on in my life - wearing it like a badge of honor. When really, on the inside, I was feeling completely exhausted and ready to crash. I would become resentful of the people around me for not stepping up to help out, but I didn't know how to ask for help without coming across as being "not enough". So today I wanted to share with you some of the lessons I’ve learned over the years that help me keep my life more in balance and cope with the times, like now, when I’m feeling overwhelmed and burnt out! First off you need to notice the signs of burning out.
If you answered YES to any of the above...don't fret! You are totally normal and oh so human. You see when you are under stress - even if it's stress from GOOD POSITIVE THINGS - your body reacts as if you are under attack. It's your nervous system and your limbic system at work to protect you. In life there is Real Stress which is something urgent that needs our attention immediately or is a problem to solve. Then there is IMAGINED STRESS which is all in YOUR MIND. It's that thought of "What if....happens? or doesn't?" and your mind goes on a wild and crazy ride down the dark hole of despair. Sound familiar? Most of our stress is the imagined variety!! I was recently listening to a podcast with Susie Moore, author of "Let it Be Easy" and she shared the following questions to ask yourself when you first notice the signs of stress and overwhelm:
I just love those! How often have you turned that metaphoric mole-hill into a Mt. Everest in your mind? Mark Twain said it best - “I’ve been through some terrible things in my life some of which actually happened.” Here are some of my tips and techniques I use to get through these oh so human and unavoidable times of life:
My goal for this next week ahead is to not open my laptop at all! To leave my cell phone in the hotel room and truly soak up every precious minute of my time in paradise with my love. I know that I will come home feeling refreshed and reenergized to get back to not only enjoying the holiday season, but to taking on all of the tasks for my solo business with renewed enthusiasm!! Needing help with creating balance, coping with overwhelm, setting healthy boundaries, and learning to tame the stress gremlins? Let's get on a call and explore how working with a coach can help! |
AuthorMeet Mary Baker ..LIFE COACH, YOGA TEACHER, MINDFULNESS GUIDE, RECOVERING PERFECTIONIST & PEOPLE PLEASER, FEAR CONQUEROR, TRUTH SEEKER, & DREAM WEAVER Archives
February 2023
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