The 80/20 Rule or Don’t compromise on the BIG STUFF or the “small stuff” will eventually make you crazy!
I’ve figured out a lot of life stuff in my 53+ years on this planet and one of the BIGGIES is today’s message - the 80/20 Rule.
You see, I spent a whole lot of my younger years buying into the old-school Disney fairytale kind of love and I was determined that within me was enough love, rainbows and sunshine to change even the scariest of Beasts into my Prince Charming.
Two marriages and a whole lot of lessons learned and I am finally in the most amazing relationship of my life thanks in part to The Rule.
Here’s how it works.
Whether you are currently seeking a new relationship, just getting out of an old one, or maybe you’re still in one but things aren’t looking so good…
First, you make a few lists. List 1 is the things you really, really want in a partner - personality, character, life style, and how they make you feel. Get it all on there and don’t hold back.
Then, from that list you determine what your non-negotiables are and you make a shorter list of those. On this list, I want you to also come up with a list of questions you could ask to find out really quickly if there are any big RED FLAGS. You want to get these covered right away when meeting someone new. And if you’re already in a relationship ask yourself the questions about your partner and be honest with what comes up.
Now, go back to that big list again and decide if there are some things that would be nice but certainly aren’t deal breakers. Make a new list of those things.
For example, on my Short Non-Negotiable list was a) no young kids, preferably grown up kids if any; b) loves to travel and stay active; and c) makes me laugh a lot! There were several more, but you get the idea.
On my “nice, but not necessary” list was must be at least 5’11 and loves to cook…
During my 8-months of dating before I met Andy, I went on A LOT of dates! And boy did I get efficient at screening all those guys. Didn’t mention that you had a 7 & 8 year-old kid and 1/2 time custody…thank you no. Idea of a great weekend is binging Netflix and ordering pizza…thank you no. Make my eyes roll with your lame or lack of sense of humor…thank you no.
Get the drift?
You see I was finally in a REALLY GOOD PLACE personally. I was very happy just being me and being by myself. So for me to bring someone new into my life, it needed to be a really good fit.
What that person didn’t need to be was a perfect fit. No Andy isn’t quite 5’11…no he doesn’t cook much…but he’s a really, really good fit in at least 80% (hey I’ll give him 90%!) of my things I need and want.
We laugh all the time, we travel a ton, a weekend isn’t complete without at least one hike, and we hold true and fast to our “no drama” rule. If there’s an issue, we talk it out and move on. And we always feel stronger for having done so. He’s learned to speak my love languages fluently simply because he loves me and knows it’s important to me. I could go on and on…
What I know from past relationships is that when I let a non-negotiable fall into the 20% category, that was the thing along with all the other little things I thought I could deal with that led to a whole lot of discontent, disappointment, and eventually the demise of the relationship.
Bottom line here is get to know YOURSELF first. Learn to LOVE YOURSELF completely. Be a complete and happy person with YOUR LIFE.
Then whether you are deciding if you stay in a relationship or looking to find a new one, you will be in a WAY better place to see those 80/20’s and determine if that other person is a life upgrade or downgrade.
You, my friend, deserve to be happy and to feel like the people in your life enhance it rather than drain it.
Meet Mary Baker ..LIFE COACH, YOGA TEACHER, MINDFULNESS GUIDE, RECOVERING PERFECTIONIST & PEOPLE PLEASER, FEAR CONQUEROR, TRUTH SEEKER, & DREAM WEAVER